November 25, 2007 – 11:16 pm
This was the opening statement made by our class valedictorian Marija Reiff on the day of my high school graduation. To be honest, I don’t really recall a lot of what her speech was about. However I remember the opening line.. the first impression so to speak. I fail with first impressions often. Sometimes I feel like I nail them perfectly, usually whenever it comes to something dj related. I know how I want people to see Justin Styles, and I hit the mark. In smaller cities, I’m a superstar dj from Minneapolis. Locally I like to think people respect me and have heard about me. The truth? Hell if I know. I’ve gone through the years, trying to find my personal flaws and improve on them. Determine what things will make me a better, stronger person. What better method to meet yourself than to face yourself right?
In reality, not many people meet the real me. I can probably count on one hand the number of people. No I’m not trying to say I have deep dark secrets nobody knows about, but there’s a select few people I try to turn to for advice, or their opinion, or am willing to tell someone about. Like everyone, I’m a person of layers. Computer geek, dj, car enthusiast, and an array of other things. I’ve done well at not being so introverted, but I still bottle up lots of things. It’s a pride thing. I don’t want to look bad, or be found out for the truth. I think I learned my sense of pride from my Mom early and she fought with me over it. Trying to get me to admit something is my fault. It’s the feeling of caving I hate so much. It could have been in elementary school when I was an outsider at Lincoln. I’ve always stood up for what I thought was right, regardless of penalty. In the end, it’s cost me some good friends, but I still have my pride.
It’s funny to think just how much of my life is dictated by an internal emotion that is only regulated by myself. The way I act around people when I want to act a different way. How I’m not able to just go with my feelings at times. It’s the fear of rejection, the fear of failing, the fear of not living up to the expectations I’ve set for myself.
In the end, I think it hurts me the areas I hold most dear. The ones that can forever change my life. It’s something I need to learn to set aside at times because the only thing that can change my pride is myself.
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