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walkabout

Life is so interesting. Do you ever have one of those nights you can’t sleep at all? It’s been a while since I’ve had a sleepless night. I don’t wish them upon anyone. The same things go through your head over and over again. Usually when I have a sleepless night, I find there’s a good reason. Well it’s good at the time, later I usually determine it was a night of lost sleep without much cause.

Tonight was one of those nights. I’ve been trying to sleep earlier, although I didn’t do so well last night as I was in bed at 1:00AM. I woke up at 4:00, somewhat hungry, so I dug around looking for something to snack on to try to calm my stomach. With my air conditioning unit in my room its a constant struggle to keep a viable temperature. With the AC on, the room becomes too cold. Turning just the fan on is okay for 15 minutes, then it gets too warm. Windows open don’t help either. I don’t even know how I managed it in the past, perhaps I’m spoiled now with air conditioning.

The difference about tonight is I’ve been thinking about the past, present, and future. I was on edge all day yesterday, and I wasn’t sure why. I think it’s why I’m having trouble sleeping now. I needed some time to just sit down and think. I watched a few episodes of Babylon 5 tonight, then Joel and Jared came over and we played some Forza. It was relaxing to have a night I just sat around. I sit around my computer less and less these days, sometimes it seems as I only check the forums and post here anymore.

As far as the past goes, I’ve always hated letting things go. I hate parting ways with good friends and family, especially for silly reasons. I haven’t been talking with my parents nearly as much as I wish, and as a by product haven’t been spending much time with Vincent. I also haven’t been talking with Gabe who is one of my best friends back home. In fact I really don’t talk to many people back in Duluth, and I hate myself for it. It’s like I just so easily push things off because they’re out of sight, out of mind.

I’ve been thinking about my life now. I don’t feel like I’m desperate by any means, but I really dislike waking up by myself every morning. It’s like when Anna and I were together it gave me something to look forward to that I haven’t been able to care about for quite a while. Friends and family care about you, but it was definitely a different care in a relationship. i don’t intend for this post to get sappy or anything of the sort, but I do try to get all of my thoughts out here.

The future is limitless. I have so much potential that I just have to harness it. Financially it’s as though I’m always short on money but I always seem to make it work. I’ve been thinking alot about my career and where it’s going to take me. I don’t dabble with computers like I used to, and like I said in the past, it’s as though the geek inside of me died.

In Australian aboriginal cultures, a “walkabout” is a ritual in which a young man goes on a solitary journey through the wilderness in an attempt to learn more about his own character and strength. I like to think that nights like tonight are of the same nature. I’ve done lots of thinking, and have lots of thoughts on what I need to do. I’m sure I’ll stray from the path but I also know that I’ll find my way back. Whether it takes finding somewhat to share my time with or another sleepless night, that’s for me to find out. Until then, I take solace in the fact that I know I’m still doing extremely well in my life and I’m just at a crossroads until the next major part takes over.